What a worldwind….
Posted by chrissy | Filed under General Life
I have no idea what I can even say about all of this. For those who know me, I usually have no problem expressing myself and finding words to explain things…but for some reason this has all made me speechless. I am finding it harder to talk about things lately and I think it has to due with not knowing what the future will hold for me and my family. I have no promise from the doctors that this won’t come back and I have never wanted something as much as I want to make it to that 5 year mark and be told that I am cancer free. Looking back over the last 9 months, and what a long 9 months they have been, I still can’t believe that this is happening to me. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my 27 years and the fact that I will have to live with it the rest of my life, regardless if I’m cancer free or have a relapse, is so hard to cope with. My life and everything I thought that I was and wanted has changed, this is a premanent fixture in my life now. I am not done with all of this or will I ever be rid of it. Once chemo is done in September and I am Cancer Free, I will have to try to go back to a “normal” life and start off where I left off last September…however, I don’t think that that is even an option anymore. I think that fear of cancer and it coming back will always be there for me. I don’t think I will ever truely be me again…I don’t know how I could be. This has changed me and there are times that I can’t even tell where the real me is anymore. I have been so good at putting on that brave face and dealing with what I’ve been dealt, that I haven’t truely been able to deal with everything yet. I think it will take quite a while for me to truely come to grips with all of this and be able to try and move foward. I still think back to me life bc (Before cancer) and miss things about it and realize that no matter how bad things may have seemed over the years, nothing was that bad…my life was pretty good. And now, that life is something that won’t be an option because I have changed and my life has changed and now will be thought of as life ac (After Cancer). That may not make sense to people and you may not understand it, heck I don’t even know if I fully understand what all of this means yet. All I know is that at this moment I am happy and content in knowing that I have no detectable disease left in my body. I have to focus on that positive and happy news because really, nothing else gets me through the day. I get up and fight everyday and stay postive because I have to, not just for me, but for my husband and us…I made a promise 9 months ago that I would fight for us and he is the reason I get up everyday and do this. If it weren’t for him, I would have been a mess during all of this. One thing that I can say is true, is that we are still us…even if that us has had to change and evolve because of all of this. There is no doubt in my mind that he is my soul mate after all of this…not too many other 28 year olds would be able to go through and stay. He is truely amazing and makes me want to fight harder then I have ever wanted to fight to keep us intact. Anyways….just wanted to vent a bit and get things off my chest. Thanks to all for your support through this. I truely have an amazing support system and without all of you this would have been a much harder and longer 9 months. I love all of you so much for all you do for me and I could never say enough or find the rights words to thank you all for that. So all I can say……..Thank You!!!!!
