Update
Posted by chrissy | Filed under General Life
Hey all. I know, I know…where have I been. Sorry :(
Let’s see…whats new??? I had a holiday season post-cancer and it was nice. There is always that moment when the topic is brought up and I just want to get out of there…I actually turn kinda rude and try to say something that just shut people up, like there is nothing that can be said after my coment. Bob and I are both, unfournately, getting pretty good at it by this point. I liked feeling normal for once. At times, it was like the disease had never shown up at all. Overall, it was a pretty good holiday.
I had my three month appointment with the oncologist on Dec 28th. My counts are slowly (and I mean slowly) coming back up. My scan looked good, but there was a cyst on my ovary that showed up. Even though these are extremely normal for women of childbering age, I had to have a PET Scan done. I was bummed because I was so looking forward to not having one in awhile. We also talked to the oncologist about kids and when we could start trying again…we got the news that we should wait til I hit my 3 year mark just to make sure that the chances of it coming back are very small and it should have a chance to come back once I’m pregnant, when we wouldn’t be able to treat it at all. It all makes perfect logical sense to us, however emotionally, it doesn’t make any sense…it hit me like a train. I felt so defeated when he told us…I just wanted to crawl up in a ball again. My PET scan came back normal…there is absolutely no sign of disease. I don’t have to go back in for a CT Scan until March :) Now if only I could be as positive as my results and the doctor. Eventually, I hope, I will be able to get there…I just don’t have the slightist idea of when. One day…
I know that people expect me to be back to myself again…however, cancer is not something that you just bounce back from. Its a very large and difficult mountain to conquer and once you do…you still have to find a way to climb back down to your life again. I guess that is the best way for me to describe it. I think when people ask me “How are you?!?!” in that how you doing kiddo tone, like they do to people who are sick or to little kids, they expect me to say “I’m doing great…I’m cancer free and couldn’t be better!!!” The truth–I’m okay. I could definitely be way better than I am now, hell I don’t even recognize who I am know. I don’t know what all these emotions are, there are so many that I can’t even put words to them. But, I could definitelly and have definitely been worse. So, how am I doing–I’m okay. And thats what I mean when I say “I’m good”, because really, good is what people want me to say and want to hear.
