Update
Posted by chrissy | Filed under General Life
Hey all. I know, I know…where have I been. Sorry :(
Let’s see…whats new??? I had a holiday season post-cancer and it was nice. There is always that moment when the topic is brought up and I just want to get out of there…I actually turn kinda rude and try to say something that just shut people up, like there is nothing that can be said after my coment. Bob and I are both, unfournately, getting pretty good at it by this point. I liked feeling normal for once. At times, it was like the disease had never shown up at all. Overall, it was a pretty good holiday.
I had my three month appointment with the oncologist on Dec 28th. My counts are slowly (and I mean slowly) coming back up. My scan looked good, but there was a cyst on my ovary that showed up. Even though these are extremely normal for women of childbering age, I had to have a PET Scan done. I was bummed because I was so looking forward to not having one in awhile. We also talked to the oncologist about kids and when we could start trying again…we got the news that we should wait til I hit my 3 year mark just to make sure that the chances of it coming back are very small and it should have a chance to come back once I’m pregnant, when we wouldn’t be able to treat it at all. It all makes perfect logical sense to us, however emotionally, it doesn’t make any sense…it hit me like a train. I felt so defeated when he told us…I just wanted to crawl up in a ball again. My PET scan came back normal…there is absolutely no sign of disease. I don’t have to go back in for a CT Scan until March :) Now if only I could be as positive as my results and the doctor. Eventually, I hope, I will be able to get there…I just don’t have the slightist idea of when. One day…
I know that people expect me to be back to myself again…however, cancer is not something that you just bounce back from. Its a very large and difficult mountain to conquer and once you do…you still have to find a way to climb back down to your life again. I guess that is the best way for me to describe it. I think when people ask me “How are you?!?!” in that how you doing kiddo tone, like they do to people who are sick or to little kids, they expect me to say “I’m doing great…I’m cancer free and couldn’t be better!!!” The truth–I’m okay. I could definitely be way better than I am now, hell I don’t even recognize who I am know. I don’t know what all these emotions are, there are so many that I can’t even put words to them. But, I could definitelly and have definitely been worse. So, how am I doing–I’m okay. And thats what I mean when I say “I’m good”, because really, good is what people want me to say and want to hear.
What a worldwind….
Posted by chrissy | Filed under General Life
I have no idea what I can even say about all of this. For those who know me, I usually have no problem expressing myself and finding words to explain things…but for some reason this has all made me speechless. I am finding it harder to talk about things lately and I think it has to due with not knowing what the future will hold for me and my family. I have no promise from the doctors that this won’t come back and I have never wanted something as much as I want to make it to that 5 year mark and be told that I am cancer free. Looking back over the last 9 months, and what a long 9 months they have been, I still can’t believe that this is happening to me. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my 27 years and the fact that I will have to live with it the rest of my life, regardless if I’m cancer free or have a relapse, is so hard to cope with. My life and everything I thought that I was and wanted has changed, this is a premanent fixture in my life now. I am not done with all of this or will I ever be rid of it. Once chemo is done in September and I am Cancer Free, I will have to try to go back to a “normal” life and start off where I left off last September…however, I don’t think that that is even an option anymore. I think that fear of cancer and it coming back will always be there for me. I don’t think I will ever truely be me again…I don’t know how I could be. This has changed me and there are times that I can’t even tell where the real me is anymore. I have been so good at putting on that brave face and dealing with what I’ve been dealt, that I haven’t truely been able to deal with everything yet. I think it will take quite a while for me to truely come to grips with all of this and be able to try and move foward. I still think back to me life bc (Before cancer) and miss things about it and realize that no matter how bad things may have seemed over the years, nothing was that bad…my life was pretty good. And now, that life is something that won’t be an option because I have changed and my life has changed and now will be thought of as life ac (After Cancer). That may not make sense to people and you may not understand it, heck I don’t even know if I fully understand what all of this means yet. All I know is that at this moment I am happy and content in knowing that I have no detectable disease left in my body. I have to focus on that positive and happy news because really, nothing else gets me through the day. I get up and fight everyday and stay postive because I have to, not just for me, but for my husband and us…I made a promise 9 months ago that I would fight for us and he is the reason I get up everyday and do this. If it weren’t for him, I would have been a mess during all of this. One thing that I can say is true, is that we are still us…even if that us has had to change and evolve because of all of this. There is no doubt in my mind that he is my soul mate after all of this…not too many other 28 year olds would be able to go through and stay. He is truely amazing and makes me want to fight harder then I have ever wanted to fight to keep us intact. Anyways….just wanted to vent a bit and get things off my chest. Thanks to all for your support through this. I truely have an amazing support system and without all of you this would have been a much harder and longer 9 months. I love all of you so much for all you do for me and I could never say enough or find the rights words to thank you all for that. So all I can say……..Thank You!!!!!
Updates
Posted by chrissy | Filed under General Life
Hey all….for updates on the surgery check out the Surgery II page. I’m trying to keep everything organized and as easy to find as possible.
Ahhhh….surgery is in the am, 8 1/2 hours away. (I have to be up in 5 hours). I should probably get to bed. I’ll try to write as soon as I can.
Everyone wish me well…everything should go well and I’ll come out of it with no more tumors and mostly cancer free!!!!! Won’t that just be the best thing ever. ;)
Just another day….
Posted by chrissy | Filed under General Life
So, I thought that I might actually write a post during a normal weekend. I seem to just be writing after treatments now too so I wanted to write about something other than treatments and all that jazz. So anyway, all in all this has actually been a really good week, too bad that it has to end. Bob and I actually got a few nights of normal. We just hung out in our room watching tv together and it was great. We don’t get a whole lot of alone time and when we do we seem to be focusing on everything else thats going on, instead of us. This week we have focused on us for a few days and it’s been a great thing. It’s amazing how much better that can make me feel. I actually feel refreshed after a day/night/few hours of normal “us” time. Everyone wonders how all of this is impacting us and our relationship. I’d have to say that it’s not easy all the time, but we find a way through it. The weird thing is that we always knew how lucky we were to have found each other and to have done it so early in life, not everyone is so lucky to marry their best friend and be as happy as we are. Now, I think we are even more painfully aware of that fact. We are doing well though and finding our way through all of this the best that we can. There is no doubt that after all of this is done there is absolutely nothing that we won’t be able to take on and get through together.
Other than that, I got to spend most of the day today with my sis and it was nice. We went shopping up at the outlets in Albertville together….that should never be allowed again. I wanted to go to find clothes for work, since our dress code is changing, but I didn’t expect to spend that much. She’s a bad influence, or at least that’s what I told Bob when I came home with a new Coach clutch that I really didn’t need, but really wanted. It was really nice to spend time with just me and her, we haven’t done that in so long. We talk about a lot of stuff, including cancer but that wasn’t the only topic. That was nice. I think I miss the normal every day things that we all take for granted because they are always happening and are constant. It’s just too bad that it took all of this for me to realize all of that. My sister has been an amazingly strong person through all of this, which I didn’t expect. She has stepped up and become the “big” sister, in that she is taking care of me and making sure everyone else is doing okay. I think that is great. That is hard for me though, because I am the big sister and always focsing on everyone else before focusing on me. So maybe in a weird way this whole experience is going to force me to learn how to actually focus on me first and make me thr priority for a change. That has been a hard thing for me to do, but I think I’m getting a little bit better at it. That is what I need to work on still.
Normal Life Again
Posted by chrissy | Filed under General Life
I get to go back to normal life on Tuesday. YEAH!!!!!!!! I know that being excited about going back to work is probably a little weird and all, but I can’t help it. I feel like I have to get out of this house and actually be doing something. Even though I’m happy to go back, I know it’s probably going to be short lived. I have a feeling that about a week in, I’m going to be wishing I was back at home doing nothing. Oh well, at least I know that going back means I get to put my focus onto something other than the cancer for 6 to 8 hours a day…that’s the best part of working throughout it all. For those who think I’m weird for being excited for going back to work, try being held up at home for a month not by choice and see how you feel. I’ve loved spending a month with my wonderful husband, who has tried to get me out as much as he possibly can, but it will be nice to get back into a routine again. Hey, maybe that will mean I can finally get some real sleep…that would be fanastic!!!
Bad Day
Posted by chrissy | Filed under General Life
Okay, so I was told that I’d have bad days when I feel just plain pissed at the world or am overwhelmed with saddness and scared. Well, I definitely believe them now. Yesterday I was quiet, which for those who really know me know that’s nothing like me. I like to say I was in a “Mood”…I wanted nothing to do with anything and wanted to crawl into a hole and just wait til this was all over. The bad part of all of this, I take it out on Bob, because he is the first person I see when I feel like this. (This really doesn’t work out well at all) He gets defensive because I’m angry and pissed and taking it out on him, which he has every right to feel, but this makes me extra defensive and even more pissed off. I really can’t wait for this all to be over, I want nothing more than to have nothing to be pissed off at or scared of. That would be great. Anyways, today is better…even though I’m a little on edge still. I guess they will come and go…I’ll have to just make my way through all this the best I can and know that I’m 5 to 6 months away from being done with all this. I might have to start a count down here soon!!! :)
No More Chemo (At least until Feb)!!!!!
Posted by chrissy | Filed under General Life
Well, I’d have to say that I have finally found something to be excited about in all of this madness. I have finished my first 4 cycles of chemo, which is all I have to do pre-surgery. Let me tell you if you ever have to watch someone or have to go through this yourself, it absolutely is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. You don’t want to go and then you have to force yourself to get ready. I think the worst part is that you have to get over the fact that poison is being put into your body and you get sick to get better, which goes against everything you know. People tell you that you look great and not sick, when all you feel is sick and horrible and you just want to curl up and hide til its all over. Make sure that you are aware of this because it helps if people allow you to go through it all and don’t hoover. If you ever have to got through this, don’t be afraid to ask for your own space and time. It’s during this horrible and terrifying time that you learn the most about yourself and your inner strength, if you allow yourself to do so. I think I’m doing as well as I am because of this. I had a good idea before this of the person that I was, but had no idea just how strong I actually was or just who I was. Cancer really does change you, and it’s definitely for the good, if you let it be. Don’t get me wrong, there are days I absolutely hate this and want to scream at the top of my lungs. I have to force myself to focus on the good/positive things and tell myself it will be better tomorrow, even though I know that it might not be. Everyday is a new day, but the emotions are always the same. It just depends on how much I let them get to me. That’s really the hardest part, fighting against myself. It’s something that takes all your energy, but there are those moments when you forget about everything and are normal again. That’s really the thing that keep me going. I love those small moments!!!!
Benefit was a success!!!
Posted by chrissy | Filed under General Life
The benefit was great!!!! Very overwhelming!!!!! We made lots, which will help Bob and I cover medical costs for the next couple of years, which is so great!
We had over 600 people showed up, which is just amazing. It was so great to see everyone and have a day that was something different then what I normally do. Thank you to everyone that came. It meant so much to me and my family to see all of you there.
A big thank you to everyone that helped out during the day. You all rock!!!
