Let’s see…whats new??? I had a holiday season post-cancer and it was nice. There is always that moment when the topic is brought up and I just want to get out of there…I actually turn kinda rude and try to say something that just shut people up, like there is nothing that can be said after my coment. Bob and I are both, unfournately, getting pretty good at it by this point. I liked feeling normal for once. At times, it was like the disease had never shown up at all. Overall, it was a pretty good holiday.

I had my three month appointment with the oncologist on Dec 28th. My counts are slowly (and I mean slowly) coming back up. My scan looked good, but there was a cyst on my ovary that showed up. Even though these are extremely normal for women of childbering age, I had to have a PET Scan done. I was bummed because I was so looking forward to not having one in awhile. We also talked to the oncologist about kids and when we could start trying again…we got the news that we should wait til I hit my 3 year mark just to make sure that the chances of it coming back are very small and  it should have a chance to come back once I’m pregnant, when we wouldn’t be able to treat it at all. It all makes perfect logical sense to us, however emotionally, it doesn’t make any sense…it hit me like a train. I felt so defeated when he told us…I just wanted to crawl up in a ball again. My PET scan came back normal…there is absolutely no sign of disease. I don’t have to go back in for a CT Scan until March :) Now if only I could be as positive as my results and the doctor. Eventually, I hope, I will be able to get there…I just don’t have the slightist idea of when. One day…

I know that people expect me to be back to myself again…however, cancer is not something that you just bounce back from. Its a very large and difficult mountain to conquer and once you do…you still have to find a way to climb back down to your life again. I guess that is the best way for me to describe it. I think when people ask me “How are you?!?!” in that how you doing kiddo tone, like they do to people who are sick or to little kids, they expect me to say “I’m doing great…I’m cancer free and couldn’t be better!!!” The truth–I’m okay. I could definitely be way better than I am now, hell I don’t even recognize who I am know. I don’t know what all these emotions are, there are so many that I can’t even put words to them. But, I could definitelly and have definitely been worse. So, how am I doing–I’m okay. And thats what I mean when I say “I’m good”, because really, good is what people want me to say and want to hear.

Okay where to begin…So I had three treatments this last round of chemo. My last treatment was Aug 12th. It was not like a normal treatment, but really “normal” doesn’t really go with treatment. So I got really hot and nausa during this treatment, which I never got before. I tried to eat a few times and just couldn’t. I actually had to ask the nurse for another dose of meds, which I did not like. I felt pretty wiped out and sick after this one too…way more than usual. So on Wed the week after I called the doctor and had to go in. My platlets were way down…29,000…almost to transfusion level. I was ordered to relax and take time off of work. So I took the next day off and then a half day on Friday. I went in the next week for my treatment and it was decided that I won’t continue with treatment anymore…there was no definite answer to whether pushing me through the last 2 treatments would be beneficial or not. I got to take a whole month off and schedule scans.

On Sept 23rd, I went in to the oncologist to get the results of my scans and get word on what was next. Great news…the cancer is all gone and there is absolutely no sign of disease left. Without jumping up and down with joy and scarying the doctor, I sat there very calm and just listened as we went through the steps to come. I will not have to do PET scans again for awhile, which I could could not be happier about. I have to go in for CAT scan every three months and then go to see the doctor and get labs done as well. I love the fact that I don’t have to go in to the doctor on a regular basis anymore. Going in every three months is such a relief. I can go to my normal doctor now when I need to but I don’t have to go in to see my oncologist twice a month anymore. The relief is so nice.

So here I am…1 1/2 months into remission and enjoying having a life back. I had to stop myself from saying a “normal” life. Not because it I can’t have a “normal” life, but because I don’t think there is such a thing as “normal” anymore. I think just getting back to a life is good. The last year of my life has just been this “lost” year. For the life of me I can’t remember a moment of it where I was truely happy or had pure joy or where everything and everyone focused on this disease.  Part of me is so overwhelmed by that and the other part wishes I could just forget about it. There is so much going on in my head right now that it is so overwhelming. I think that is why I have finally had to go and see someone. The one thing I wish had happened during the whole time was being told by someone to talk. I don’t want to pretend like that would matter, because I highly doubt I would have gone. I needed to work through this in a weird way…I wasn’t able to think about the whole thing until after it was all done. Weird isn’t it…it’s like I had to bax everything I felt up just so I had the strength to get through it. And now, everything is coming out at once, which a lot to cope with. I need some time but eventually I will get back to life.

In a nutshell, everything is going well. So there’s the update. I know it is way overdue, but everything has been crazy and I’m just getting use to all this. I’m cancer free, which is weird to say but I’m getting better at it as the time goes on. Eventually, maybe it won’t even matter. Maybe even eventually I won’t have to talk about it anymore…that would be even better. Here’s to wishing, right.

Treatment #2: Everything went pretty good. I did get a little nausea when I was leaving the doctor’s but all in all, everything went well. I got out of the house on that Saturday for the annual Softball party for a few hours…which was nice. Too bad that I only made it to 9pm and then it was time to go to bed. Oh well. We got out and did some running around on Sunday and that always makes me seem to feel a little better. I’m not sure what it is, but just hanging out with my husband and doing those everyday errands make me feel normal for a few hours, which is so needed right now.

I definitely have to tell everyone that I may make all this seem easy and like a cake walk, but it so is not. The closer it gets to being done with this, the harder things are getting. I think it’s because I can see the end and I can finally let everything out, which seems to be directed at my husband. He’s been absolutely amazing through all this, especially now that I seem to have lost it a little bit lately. I will get back to normal, just need some time to deal now I think.

Treatment #3: Well, this treatment was sooo much fun. I had a really early appointment so I was ready to get out of there earlier than normal. However, when do things ever work in my favor. My platelet counts were lower than desired this time, 64,000 when they shoudl be 100,000. I got treatment, which is good I guess. However, I got nausea during my treatment and couldn’t really est much. I had to get extra drugs to feel better. Thursday and Friday I had to stay on top of my drugs so I would feel alright. I didn’t really eat all that much during this treatment schedule. I am feeling a little better today (Saturday). We got out for a little bit, but my energy is way low. I hope this isn’t a sign of what’s left to come. I only have two left and I just want to get them over and done with. I’m not saying that not having them wouldn’t be great…I mean honestly who in their right mind would want to have to go through all this shit. I just want to have the last two to prove I can get through them…these 5 post-op are my insurance policy after all. The nice thing is that I don’t have to worry about not making all of them, because they won’t force it. When my body is done, it’s done.

One treatment down….4 to go!!!! Let’s hope that they all go this well. September 9th can not come soon enough :)

Here let me give the full update on the surgery and my two satys at the hospital:

The total surgery time was about 7 hours. The liver surgery was first. The doctor used a scope first to check everything out and then opened me up. I now have an incision that goes from my chest to my pelvic bone, it looks really nice :) He was able to get in and the great news is that there was no additional disease on my left lobe of my liver, everything was on the right side…Great News. He took out about 60% of the liver (right lobe), the gallbladder, lymph notes, and more margine than he thought he’d be able to get out. The colon suregery was next. He got in there and found another 30 polyps, none appared to be cancerous. He removed the whole colon and pulled my small intesine over to the left side of my body and put the illestomy in the same spot that my colostomy was…one less inicision on my belly, which right now my not matter all that much but in the long run it will.

Okay, so I was up and moving around the day after surgery, Wed, and seemed to be doing pretty well. I was quickly moving towards a normal diet again and getting ready to come home. On Thursday, my hemoglobin dropped very low, 6.1, so after scans proved there was no bleeding internally I got a blood transfusion. I got 6 bags of platelets and 2 units of blood,. I seemed to quickly reboud from all of this because I was released from the hospital on Saturday afternoon.

However, on Monday I started to feel like something wasn’t right and we were back in the ER by 4pm and I was readmitted by 10pm. (They think they might have been a little too premature on sending me home so soon) Tuesday they spent the day doing testing to make sure that there wasn’t an infection or that my liver wasn’t leaking bile. Good News…everything was okay with the liver. The only thing we were still having issues with was back pain and spams that I was having. We finally got everything under control with them on Wednesday. I was releases yesterrday afternoon. I feel so much better than before and am so glad to be home.

So total days spent in the hospital…8 days.

Ahhhh….surgery is in the am, 8 1/2 hours away. (I have to be up in 5 hours). I should probably get to bed. I’ll try to write as soon as I can.

Everyone wish me well…everything should go well and I’ll come out of it with no more tumors and mostly cancer free!!!!! Won’t that just be the best thing ever.  ;)

Treatment #4 take 2: I went to the doctor on 4/15 a ball of nerves. I had this feeling that I might have treatment and I also had a felling that I wasn’t going to have treatment. Getting ready for this appointment was extremelly hard because I didn’t know what was happening. I had my lab work done and stayed connected for treatment, just in case. We sat down with Dr. Seng and he started to go over the tests and my blood work. Everything looked really good. My scans came back really good. The uptake on the PET Scan was 2.9 when normal liver uptake is 2.5, meaning that the cancer on the liver is slightly active now. The MRI showed that the tumors are only on the right side, which is great. My disease marker is way down too, everything is working. That news was a huge weight off my shoulders…it means that going through all this may actually be worth it. After all the good news, Dr. Seng said that the next step was going to be surgery, which means that treatment is over for now.

The next day, 4/16, I met with the liver surgeon again and went over everything and planned on surgery being anytime after 5/6.

Surgery is scheduled for Tuesday May 19th at 7:30am. Thats good because it will be earlier in the day and I should be in my room by mid-afternoon. The liver surgery will happen first…he will remove the right 60-70% of my liver and gallbladder. Once he is done with that, the colon procedure will happen. He will remove the remainder of my colon. He will then do a “J-pouch” prcedure with my small intestine, so we can reconnect later. I will keep everyone updated as it quickly approaches and once I am up to it in the hosptial. Let’s hope its only 5-7 days this time, 10 days just plain sucks. Wish me luck!!!

I am sooooooo ready for all this to be done. I so have hit that breaking point and feel like I am done. I can’t wait to have a normal life again. The bad thing is that I don’t feel like me anymore, and the bad thing is that people other than Bob are starting to notice it. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of who I am in all this mess. I know that I will be different after all is said and done, I don’t know how I could expect not to be. I just don’t want to loss all that is me. The hard part is knowing what changes are because of everything thats going on and what changes are due to hormonal changes do to treatments. Needless to say, I know I’m going to enjoy life and forget about all the small stuff that doesn’t really matter after all of this…that has already started. This is not a very easy thing to go through, even if that doesn’t always seem to be the case with me. I have this problem with letting people seeing me as weak. I know that everyone one would understand if I did let that part slip out every now and then, but I just don’t want to let that out. I have started to slowly allow myself to feel what I feel and let it be known. It’s hard, but I feel like I can’t hold anything in anymore, and if I do, I’m going to burst. So, if I seem a bit done or emotional or just different thats why.